Thursday, September 3, 2009

SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO SIT IN YOUR CAR AND SCREAM

Yes somedays you just need to scream in the car just to relieve tension! Try it, it's amazing! Other days you just need to get through the day and move on with your life. To say that i'm handling this well is a good statement. I hardly cried today....not that i didn't want to. But i had a ruff time when i had to take our picture out of the frame on my desk at work, it was just too hard to see a picture of us and not get a bit weepy. So i replaced it with a totally cute pic of Miss Scarlett :) It's so wonderful how happy my little kitty can make me!

I think the thing that is horrible about this break up is that this man was (and is) a wonderful, faithful man. He simply freaked out and ran off without talking to me and discussing his problmes with me. He's not a cheater or anything like that. Those are the ones that it's easy to yell at and get mad with (those are the ones i normally get). But this man is a good man and those are super hard to find nowadays. I didn't throw him away, I never gave up on us, he gave up on me. And when he didn't fly here last night to be with me it showed me that he had given up on us, and that is what hurt the most. Knowing that this man loves me and wanted to have a future with me and that he didn't even try.....That hurts more to me than if he would of cheated on me. At least then i have some blame levels.

This is simply a money thing. We could of figured things out I'm a planner!! We could of paid a bill here or there or he could of gotten a smaller car payment. But he left and didn't even try!!! That's what hurts the most. Knowing he gave up on me before he even got to see. The tears are pretty much gone here i've cried all i can cry. As for my heart.....well that is a different story, i just can't do it anymore. I just can't take the heartbreak anymore. I honestly have a black hole where my heart should be.

I've had it ripped out more than i can take. The one thing i vow is that with this breakup i'm not going to gain weight! After my breakup with Glenn the King of Assholes I gained weight. Then the breakup with Tony was horrible!!!! I gained weight. And then there was Ken....I went up from a 16 to an 18. NO NO NO!! This breakup is different. In fact i've been kind of good. Although last night Wendy's was my bff! This ticker of mine is just off the market! It just can't take another break. It's shattered and there isn't enough glue in the state to fix it.

He asked me if i could ever trust him again. And I said i never not trusted you. But he held things from me that i needed to know! And for the most part he told me well after the shit had hit the fan! So if in fact he had the same feelings for me as i had for him he should of trusted me enough to tell me!! It's not much to ask for you know. But then again i think like a woman...ha ha.

There was a point where he said he wanted to come back and be with me....part of me was like ok get on the fucking plane and get your ass here!!!!!! But then my sensible side kicked in and i told him I'm not selfish and he needed to spend his money on his son and his family and not on me and a plane ticket here! Who am i kidding....I'd love nothing more than to have him laying right next to me tonight or have him sitting on the sofa right now but life isn't fair and we don't always get what we want.

As i said before i had to set him free......I have to let him figure out his feelings and i have to let him try and pick up the pieces of his life. As for me....I'll mend, but I'm just not wanting to have any relationships now. I can't date someone else. I had it in my mind that this was the man that i was actually going to open myself up to and I had no trust issues for the first time in my life. I was ready to take the next step and move in and see where life took us. Well aren't i lucky....life took my boyfriend all the way to puerto rico and it left me right on my sofa.

Isn't that a bitch??

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