Wednesday, September 30, 2009


So I've really started to read a whole lot more the past year. I made a promise to myself that I'd read more and I sure am! Now I'm no speed reader like my cousin Shi, but i do enjoy myself a book now and then! I'm a huge Jackie Collins fan, although some of her books are hard to find due to them being out of print. Now my cousin Lolo has informed me that Jackie is an "old lady writer" HA HA! Well I don't know about that but she sure is a smutty writer and i LOVE it! Lol!

Another thing I've started reading and loving are Vampire Romances. I can thank my friends for getting me started on the Twilight series, which I've read all four and am waiting like everyone else for the fifth book to come out! Another friend told me about the Sookie Stackhouse books, which I've bought a few of those too. I've not got them started yet because I needed to break up my Vampires but reading a Jackie Collins book! I don't want to get all the Vampires confused! Ha ha! But now today I've found yet another Vampire book called Forbidden Nights with a Vampire, author Kerrelyn Sparks.....YEAH!!!!!!!!!! It sounds pretty hot! and I've got Shi interested as do I have my friend Joanna interested!

There is something sexy about Vampires! Duke and i have had the convo before, he asked me one night.....Why do women think Vampires are sexy? I told him i think it's because it's forbidden!! Besides the fact that it is nothing but pure lust and the fact that they just ravage your body! That can be super hot! And then the was all mannish and goes....Yeah but if they actually did that crap to you you wouldn't think it was so hot and you'd be in lots of pain. Men! So I go....yeah but what a way to go huh? All hot and bothered! Lol!!

I can't wait for my next paycheck, guess who's going to the book store! Lots of things to look for! Oh my where do i begin? Yes i have a stack of unread books in the house here the ones next to my bed are the ones i want to read one after another. There are other books around the place for me to read too....but the bed books are number one priority! Jackie Collins and Vampire smut. Ahhhhhh what a good fall to look forward to!!


Monday, September 28, 2009


Ok, so I'm starting! Today I stayed on track and stayed with my points and my co worker Jane is going to do it too! I gave her my extra tools to use to count points and she is pointing things out tonight as we speak! She said she wants to loose 20 lbs. I'd love that but my mini goal is to fit into my jeans and have them be comfy again! So wish me luck!

Scarlett should be happy tonight because I'm making chicken, it's one of her favorites! She always runs in the kitchen meowing when you open the package! Although yesterday she was talking up a storm with Duke. They have little conversations and it's too funny. He walked in yesterday and he goes "how are you Scarlett?" And she answered him right back with a loud meow. Then she proceeded to follow him around the apartment and keep "talking" to him! Which went a bit like this....Meow...What? Meow....What? oh yeah it was comical!

Well i should get off this crazy machine and get my butt in the kitchen. Tonight it's stroganoff chicken. Homemade! And only 4 points per piece! Goooooooo Team!

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Man, weight loss is a bitch! Lol! I'm jumping on the band wagon again. I've reached a point where I just don't like how I look at all!! So the measuring cups and spoons came out and tonight I've been pointing things again! I don't have the funds to join up with Weight Watchers again, but i do have all the tools from before and i know what my weight is so I'm starting back up again. Best thing to do always follow portion sizes. I've let them get away from me. So tonight i even measured out my dressing on my salad and i forgot you can get allot of dressing goodness in 2 tbsp! I just have to reprogram myself from what I've been doing for the past few months. Shame, shame everyone knows my name! I've done it to myself and now I want to fit into the jeans i own! and not just fit into them but be happy in them.

Yes I did workout today too! yeah me! I need to get back into doing it everyday! Now yesterday I was at my parents and i had 20 trips up the stairs carrying various large items....So it counts, I was out of breath and hot and sweaty! Yup it sure does count people! Today it was back to the Belly Dancing routine. It won't happen over night....But it has to happen. I want to be happy with me again!


Saturday, September 26, 2009


Last night my mom and I sat and watched Monk. If you ask me Monk is one of the best shows on T.V. at the moment. And as we sat at the table last night and watched the show unfold my mom and i were putting our two cents in as to who dun it! And yes we figured it out but it was such a fun thing to do together and it really took me back. When i was a little girl I'd sit at the table and watch Murder She Wrote with my Plain Grandma (that is what we called her) and she and I would try to figure out who dun it! It was something that made me feel so smart if I could figure it out before Grandma! Although I know at this point and time in my life she just let me think she couldn't figure it out!

Now as an adult i sometime happen on Murder She Wrote and it transports me back to the early 80's and I'm sitting in the kitchen with Grandma and we are watching it and all of a sudden i feel like a little kid again! In my opinion i think that we need more fun shows like Monk. I'm sad that it's in it's last season. But I'm enjoying every bit of it! And I'm sitting on the edge of my seat trying to figure out who killed his wife Trudy!

I'm super tired of all the cop and detective shows on I mean how many different cities do we need to CSI in or NCIS or Law and Order.....Please bring more fun who dun it shows out!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Oh my....It's funny isn't life just keeps on moving! Miss Scarlett and i have a new girl that moved in next door. Her name is Christy and she seems very friendly. The apartment next door has been open for almost a month. Now Scarlett has someone to watch all the time! Ha ha! Besides her new bff Tank! Lol! As for me I'm doing pretty good for the most part. Although i did try on my jeans today and i was super not happy! I've got a lot of work ahead of me! Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!! I need to stop eating! and start working out more. I've become a lard ass and I'm not happy with myself! Oh boy the joy of being fat! Lol.

Speaking of.....I talked to my cousin last night and sometimes he just makes me want to smack him! I love him dearly but he was going off about chubby chicks and how he doesn't like them and I told him if he in fact doesn't like chubby chicks then why does he keep dating them??? And he goes...."well they are the only ones who will go out with me." LAME, LAME, LAME! I honestly don't understand how men can go out with people that they don't really have an interest in. I know it's a sex thing....but come on!! It just pisses me off!! Size shouldn't should be what is in your heart. But i guess that is just me thinking like a woman and not an ape!

Friday, September 18, 2009


Hi there humans! It's Miss Scarlett! Omg, what a week I've had! Mama has been in and out so much....She's super busy. And i caught her the other day making nice with the four footers upstairs! And....I saw her actually pet them! The nerve!! Mama pet a dog....and right in front of me too! Then she comes in all smelling like nasty dog, BLAH!!!!!!!!

The one dog his name is Tank....In the old days Mama says that Tank would be a mutt (he's half wiener dog and half lab, or something like that) nowadays people call those hybrid dogs. I'm sure they payed high dollar for him. Everyone ohhh's and ahhhh's over this four footer....personally he's gotten a bit too close for comfort if you ask this cat! He likes to sit on the other side of the fence and look at me and cock his head to one side or the other. I like to stare him down.....I never blink when looking at can't trust a dog!! And he's has started coming up to my door and touching his nose to the glass....I think he thinks he can smell me right through the glass......Silly ass dog! Ha ha!

Oh Mama and i had company tonight....Her new friend came over and hung out for a while....I am so comfortable around him that I just lay at his feet and fall asleep! Cat people are so much better to be around.....and they don't smell! Ha ha! I can totally understand how in the Twilight series (Mama and i read those) how Edward could tell Jacob smelled funny....Dogs smell!!

I've been very busy today....Keeping an eye on Tank is an all day job! I swear that dog goes to the bathroom every other hour! And then i had to take cover when Mama ran the vacuum...That thing scares the hell out of me! Of course it can never find me cuz I'm behind the sofa....till it has it's back turned on me and then i make a break for it and run under the bed! I'm not stupid, Mama has all kinds of boxes under there and the vacuum could never find me there! Oh and i helped do the dishes tonight. While Mama washed i sat at her feet and looked very cute.

Hey don't knock it! I'm a cat, it's what i do!

Tails up humans!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Some days are good and some days are bad. Today I'm feeling kind of blue. Certain things are starting to sink in with me post breakup. See I'm 33....I never really had this big life plan I normally just see where life takes me. Well so far life has sent me right down the crapper. People my age are normally married with children and a house. I have struck out on all three. With no hope what so ever to get any of the three.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I have a date here and there. And I'm pretty sure children are out of the question for me. Normally things like this would never get to me but lately (since Jr.) those are things I have been thinking about. I had never been with a man up till Jr. that ever wanted those things with me so I really never thought about it. Then i met Jr. and he wanted all those things with me. He told me i was the one for him the one he would one day want to marry and have a family with and me being the stupid female that I am fell hook, line and sinker for his shit.

Now here i sit....alone again. And pretty much devastated as can be. Most of the men I've met in the past have only had time to have sex with me and move on. They can't be bothered with a relationship. And it seems that the minute you put a title on things like "boyfriend" they run. Here is a good question for my readers....all four of you, ha ha! If you are with someone for a couple of months and you have had sex multiple times and gone out and hangout during all your free time aren't you in a relationship? Aren't you then boyfriend and girlfriend? But see men freak out and that is when they run!

I've had some really nice men travel through my life....but it's always the wrong time and no one ever wants to try because see....someone cheated on them once and by God i may do the same thing. Well then people don't know me at all do they? Me personally....I've been cheated on and lied to by the best of them. I'm not so stupid anymore. I can tell when it's over! That is exactly why i had to just walk away when i did from Jr. and let it go. Sometimes it's more sane to do so and forget about them. That's what I've been trying to do you see. Forget about the man that didn't have enough faith in me and us to stay here and stick it out and try. You can't start a life with someone who runs away for silly reasons!

I'm really not even feeling like dating anymore. I honestly don't see what is worth the pain that I've been through in the past few years. It's amazing to me how these men can just move on and it not bother them at all. Me I'm too emotional i guess. But from now on....I'm all walled up again. Like a castle fortress! I really can't take the heartache anymore. I can't wish for a life I'll never have.

It seems like anymore that men only want skinny girls with no opinion. They also like flakes with four kids from different men and women with self esteem problems. But see me...I'm curvy, I stand up for myself and i am single and never married no kids....One of my exes Tony said that was refreshing....He said it was better that way no baggage. Well two years later from that breakup and here I sit. Still as confused as can be as to what men really want.

I'm a good person with a big heart and I've been smacked in the face by love and I just don't have it in me to fight back. I am just sick to death of all the crap.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Amazing that I'm doing so me! And i'm talking heart wise. I'm almost one month post breakup and for the first time ever after a breakup I'm not just sitting here stuffing my face and crying and going boo hoo!! I'm working out, I'm going to the movies, I'm spending time with people that make me smile. And that is a wonderful thing to do! I have made a bit of a new friend....Miss Scarlett really likes him. Don't worry folks, he and I are just hanging out....I'm super not ready to date! But he is someone that I now kind of kick myself in the ass because I went out with Jr. instead of this guy....I never get anything right! Grrrrrr! Oh well, he's leaving soon to go to another post. So again my timing is bad, bad, bad, lol! I'm happy that he and i have been spending time together though.

Oh and my oh my....I'm going to start bowling in a league. I'm supposed to be the 6th member of a 4 member team. There are supposed to be two subs.....well I'm getting called up for this Monday. I hope i can bowl well! Or well enough for them to get their handicap, lol!! I bowl about a 90....So pray for me! Ha ha! And I've been told they play a card game too while bowling....I've heard it's like poker (or it is poker) omg....I'm gonna need a cheat sheet! Lol!! And I'm really enjoying my new Jackie Collins book....Man i love a good smutty book, ha ha!

I may of lost allot in the past month....But at least this time I've not lost myself (like in the past). I'm better for all that I've been through and I'm on the mend so much better now. Either that or i truly am just plain numb. Who knows anymore.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


Good morning humans :)

What a weekend Mama and I have had! Friday night there were some loud idiots out with their thumping music on way too loud. It didn't seem to bother Mama so much because she was watching a documentary on the History Channel but my ears pick up way more than hers! I sat in the window and stared for quite some time up the stairs and sent out my kitty waves for them to shut up!! The loud apartment was the one with the dogs and I have to admit it was funny to see the dogs get away from the drunk idiots and then they had to stop said party and find the four footers!! Ha ha! I as a fellow four footer can't blame the dogs for wanting to leave the party....They had bad taste in music!

Yesterday Mama went to a movie with Auntie Tabatha (all of my Mama's friends are my Auntie's) they went to see Sorority Row. Mama said it wasn't scary at all....and that she and Auntie Tabatha just laughed at a few of the parts of the movie. Mama said all and all it was predictable. Figures you know. But Mama did go to the store yesterday and she went to Target! I love when Mama brings home stuff in bags!! Oh my how i love to snoop!! And in one of the bags I found my food! Oh yes I can sniff that out like there is no tomorrow. I was nosing through the bags and i found all kinds of things. Mama bought some roast and she says she's gonna put it in the crock pot today. I love that smell.....It makes the whole house smell wonderful!

Well humans i need to patrol the outside of the building.....I do that by sticking my head out of the blinds and staring outside. You never know when those four footers from up stairs will come out and try to run from their owners, ha ha!

Tails up humans! TTYL

Friday, September 11, 2009


Eight years later and I still remember it like yesterday. I've been watching a documentary tonight on the History Channel and it is amazing to me how easy it is to remember and yet how easy it is for some to forget.

I remember that day clearly. I had just gotten back from a family vacation that weekend in Colorado. I was also sick as a dog since my friends and i had gotten drunk as skunks at the bar that weekend and then decided to jump in the hot tub at 2am in 20 degree weather. Yeah I had gotten one hell of a sinus infection and I honestly thought I was gonna die! But that day I got up and got myself ready and went to work. When the first plane hit the first tower i was just pulling into the driveway at work and i just sat there for a minute in the car dumb founded. Then when the second tower went down all of us were sitting around work listening to the radio. And i recall...the phones didn't ring. I remember coming home at lunch that day and watching on 20 different channels the towers coming down again and again. I also recall the fear it put into me and most of the U.S.

It's so weird to remember something so clearly.....But sometimes that is just what we do. I remember when the space shuttle blew up when i was in grade school, I remember it because I was home sick and I saw it unfold on the news.

I also remember when the first war broke out in Iraq I was in high school and we watched it on T.V. in the teachers lounge because it was the only T.V. in school hooked up to cable! And we watched history unfold in front of us.

Now as I got older I was in a way more interesting place when Princess Diana died....I was at a keg party....I swear i can't make this stuff up! This guy comes running into the party and was like Princess Di just died. Now we all thought he was being an idiot. Until a bunch of us went to my house to make breakfast and turned on the T.V. and all be damned, she'd been in a car accident.

I remember watching the funeral of President Regan. I was here in my place with my best friend Kelly and we cried. We cried because he was a good man and as kids we could remember the just say no campaign. Sure i was too young to know what was going on....but he was the first President that I could look at and go....oh O.K. that is what a President does!

Heath Ledger....I had just got home from work and my friend Joanna was headed over to go out to supper and i turned on the news and there it was plastered all over the news...Heath Ledger, dead.

Michael Jackson.....I was at the movies with my friend Kelly and my cousin Shianne...Shianne's husband texted her and told her and we really thought he was being an ass! But as I started the engine of the car Kelly was checking her i-phone and all be damned it was burning up facebook. We came home here and it was all over the news.

Tragedy happens everyday. Life isn't fair, we all know that. But as for 9-11 it is something that we never need to forget. All those innocent people dead and for what reason exactly? Because someone has enough hate in their hearts to kill for the sake of killing. What point exactly comes across? It's eight years later and the cowards that did this to us are too afraid to come out of hiding and face us eye to eye. Shouldn't that tell everyone what kind of people these are?

Well that is just my little view point.

Thanks to all that you do...Police.....Fire Fighters......Soldiers.....and other Service members.

Never forget those that do for you.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Ok, so I've decided that this is the time in my life where it's ok to be single because it's the new fall T.V. season, lol!! Having a boyfriend would just mess up my T.V. viewing schedule! Between working, working out, and the new fall line up who has time for a date? Ha ha!

Ok on a serious note....I talked to the ex last night. It really doesn't get any easier at all. But I have to put all this behind me and move on with my life. I can only be sad for so long you know. I've shed so many tears and when i hear his voice i so badly want him to come back to me. But it wouldn't be good for either of us. I know this is different because he didn't cheat on me and he is not a bad guy. It just is the situation and there really is no way around it. And that breaks my heart more. Last night just hearing his voice tore my heart more. I truly do have strong feelings for him and i have a love for him that I never thought I could have for anyone. But it's not going to happen for us and that is what really sucks! I wish to God that we could have a do over and i could fix all the problems he has. But I'm only human.

One of my friends told me she thinks I'm so strong and that I've been through enough that she doesn't know how I find the strength. Well you know what I think? I think I've seriously been through the ringer enough and this strong lady is just done, done, done! No more dating, no more falling in love and no more of the drama of a break up. My heart just can't take it any more. So i walk away from dating.....there are worse things.

For the first time in my life with this guy i felt true love and i felt what it's like for someone to really love me and only me. That's what hurts the most. Knowing that person is out there and I can't be with him. And that is all I want....I want to be with him, laughing with him, seeing his big brown eyes stare into mine and hear him whisper "I love you" in my ear.

But since i can't have that I'll just have to be happy with the fall line up. So far 90210...wonderful! The new Melrose Place....has potential! And Sons of Anarchy is up next! And hold onto your pants kids....there is a new vampire show coming on....Thank you CW :)

Monday, September 7, 2009


Ok, so i headed out shopping with my cousin today and she found some cute things at a lovely price! That is always a plus! As for me i was a good girl today and I didn't buy a thing, I'm on a pretty tight budget nowadays! Maybe one day I can shop again! After my break up with Ken at the beginning of the year I did a bit of retail therapy and I'm still making up for that! Yikes!! Oh well you know how it goes.

I was telling my cousin my new life now is going to be way more workouts and way less weight gain! I just can't gain back any more of the weight I've lost over the years. I've worked too hard on it and I just don't want to go up another size! Grrrrr! I'm an 18 now....I'm not devastated by it, I just don't want to go up another size! In the past when i lost the weight i was on weight watchers and i exercised every day. Now at this point of my life i can't afford weight watchers but i can workout every day. I just needed to find my niche. Got it! Belly dancing!! Yuppers I love the way it makes me feel after a workout like that. It involves my whole body and it really helps shape up your curves. I just need to stick to it! I need to replace men with workouts! It makes me happier anyway. Your workout dvd's can't let you down! They can't freak out and run away and they can't make you feel bad. They are designed to make you feel better about yourself! And I'm gonna!!

I told Shianne today as we were in one store that i just don't want to be one of the women (like we saw today) that doesn't realize that it's not her hips that were making her look large, it was the excess weight she had hanging over the hip hugger jeans and the huge muffin top she had with the skin tight sweater she had on. Omg what are people thinking???? And she kept asking her boyfriend what he thought and then she said and i quote "well you go pick out something you want to see me in." Wow i thought how about a nice bag, lady!! Seriously are we now a nation of "I don't look in the mirror anymore?" Seriously I'm not Stacey from What not to Wear, but i know when a size 24 is cramming into a size 22 and it doesn't look good!

I'm the type of person that likes to wear sexy things at times and i like to play up my curves....but i look in a mirror before I hit the bar or the mall! I told Shianne, please don't ever let me get like that! And she promised me she'd make sure! She's such a good girl! I guess I'm just a prude! Although in my opinion a woman who wears skin tight clothes really shouldn't be having fat hangover her a pants. It simply doesn't look right ladies!

Please, please, please look in a mirror from time to time! Ok?

Sunday, September 6, 2009


Greetings from the farm! I've been home for the past couple of days at my parents house. I've had some corgi time and i'm feeling much better. For the past two nights I've had the company of a very silly, bed hogging corgi! You really have no idea how strong these little dogs are till you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and when you climb back up the stairs and try to get back into bed the dog has suddenly took over your spot! Mom taught me that if you want to regain your bed positon with Lizzy you have to tuck and roll her like a transfer of a patient in a bed. So last night opperation tuck and roll was underway! Ha ha!

I swear that Lizzy has a clock in her that's 7 am, Sister has to pee and I think I'm going to press and jump as hard as I can on her bladder cuz she need to pee....Oh yes I'm pretty sure she can sense that alright! This morning I just couldn't hold it any longer and before I could lift her out of bed she hit the hardwood running and was down the stairs and hopped in mom and dad's bed before i could even turn the corner of the kitchen. When i left the bathroom she was laying at the top of the bed between mom and dad and looking at the window. Mom said she thought I'd coax her back upstairs with me but frankly I needed just a smidge more sleeping time and if you wake a sleeping corgi, well the licking just won't stop!

Just now i went out to pack up the car and in the middle of the sidewalk there is a flat frog. Now we call them "road toads" they have been flattened and they seem to be a perfect chew toy for Lizzy. I've seen her running through the yard with them before, yuckkkkkkk!!!!!! Now she has a new road toad. Mom says it was ran over down by the shed the other day. Well Jr. Sleuth Lizzy dog found it and now she has a new toy. YUCK!!

Well all i need to get my butt in gear and get back on the road! Safe travels to all this holiday weekend!

Friday, September 4, 2009


Hello all! This is Miss Scarlett, morning =0)

Mommy has today off and I've already been super helpful! I let her sleep all the way till 7 am! Which is really good since she hasn't been sleeping well. I'm a wonderful alarm clock you see i like to hop up on the bed and apply pressure to her thigh. I'm so good at this that I just put all the pressure on my front two paws and it is very effective. Mommy says it hurts but I just look at her and tell her to suck it up!! Then i start in with the walk bys. I start to pace back and forth and then i begin to purrrr very loud. Oh she tried to be sneaky and pull me in and snuggle but i was onto the game! I let Mama hold me for a minute or two then i very gently pinched her. Now Mama says it's a bite....please! If i wanted to bite her I would! Ha ha!

Since Mommy is off today it's going to totally get in my way of my day. I'm off my schedule! At least she has Good Moring America on. That is my favorite news program. Mommy said something about working out this am, that is going to keep me from hearing my Robin Roberts! She'll be in and out all day and how am i supposed to get the required 5 hour nap? Oh my I'm going to be really off today!

But I have to say Mommy is in need of the 4 day weekend. She's been through alot lately and I've tried my best to help her with this. Jr. is gone and Mommy is dealing as best as she can. I've been cuddling with her and loving on her I don't like it when Mommy cries. I always try to look super cute and give her kitty kisses when i can so that she will smile. Mommy has a wonderful light the room up smile and i like her to use it as much as possible!

Well humans i need to get my morning meal....i sure do like my meals! I need to get Mommy caught up on what happened while she was snoring last night and I need to keep my eyes on those City of Manhattan workers that have been soooo loud for the past week outside the bedroom window. Yesterday they kept yelling at this guy Kevin. And i kept telling Mama...Kevin better get his ass in gear! Ha ha! So far today it's just the bobcat making loud beeping noises. It's like they have no clue that people have the day off! Well we're off to the living room!

Keep your tails out of the litter this weekend!!

Thursday, September 3, 2009


Yes somedays you just need to scream in the car just to relieve tension! Try it, it's amazing! Other days you just need to get through the day and move on with your life. To say that i'm handling this well is a good statement. I hardly cried today....not that i didn't want to. But i had a ruff time when i had to take our picture out of the frame on my desk at work, it was just too hard to see a picture of us and not get a bit weepy. So i replaced it with a totally cute pic of Miss Scarlett :) It's so wonderful how happy my little kitty can make me!

I think the thing that is horrible about this break up is that this man was (and is) a wonderful, faithful man. He simply freaked out and ran off without talking to me and discussing his problmes with me. He's not a cheater or anything like that. Those are the ones that it's easy to yell at and get mad with (those are the ones i normally get). But this man is a good man and those are super hard to find nowadays. I didn't throw him away, I never gave up on us, he gave up on me. And when he didn't fly here last night to be with me it showed me that he had given up on us, and that is what hurt the most. Knowing that this man loves me and wanted to have a future with me and that he didn't even try.....That hurts more to me than if he would of cheated on me. At least then i have some blame levels.

This is simply a money thing. We could of figured things out I'm a planner!! We could of paid a bill here or there or he could of gotten a smaller car payment. But he left and didn't even try!!! That's what hurts the most. Knowing he gave up on me before he even got to see. The tears are pretty much gone here i've cried all i can cry. As for my heart.....well that is a different story, i just can't do it anymore. I just can't take the heartbreak anymore. I honestly have a black hole where my heart should be.

I've had it ripped out more than i can take. The one thing i vow is that with this breakup i'm not going to gain weight! After my breakup with Glenn the King of Assholes I gained weight. Then the breakup with Tony was horrible!!!! I gained weight. And then there was Ken....I went up from a 16 to an 18. NO NO NO!! This breakup is different. In fact i've been kind of good. Although last night Wendy's was my bff! This ticker of mine is just off the market! It just can't take another break. It's shattered and there isn't enough glue in the state to fix it.

He asked me if i could ever trust him again. And I said i never not trusted you. But he held things from me that i needed to know! And for the most part he told me well after the shit had hit the fan! So if in fact he had the same feelings for me as i had for him he should of trusted me enough to tell me!! It's not much to ask for you know. But then again i think like a woman...ha ha.

There was a point where he said he wanted to come back and be with me....part of me was like ok get on the fucking plane and get your ass here!!!!!! But then my sensible side kicked in and i told him I'm not selfish and he needed to spend his money on his son and his family and not on me and a plane ticket here! Who am i kidding....I'd love nothing more than to have him laying right next to me tonight or have him sitting on the sofa right now but life isn't fair and we don't always get what we want.

As i said before i had to set him free......I have to let him figure out his feelings and i have to let him try and pick up the pieces of his life. As for me....I'll mend, but I'm just not wanting to have any relationships now. I can't date someone else. I had it in my mind that this was the man that i was actually going to open myself up to and I had no trust issues for the first time in my life. I was ready to take the next step and move in and see where life took us. Well aren't i took my boyfriend all the way to puerto rico and it left me right on my sofa.

Isn't that a bitch??

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


So we broke up. Yes I can admit it. He just kept yoyoing. (yes it's a word cuz i say so!) There are no more tears left and there is nothing left in the area where my heart used to be. I love him so much that i had to let him go. It's not fair to either of us you know. I'm so tore up about this.

For the first time in my life i had this wonderful man that loved me so much and I loved him more than anything. But some things are more important than our love. His family is more important and i know that and i couldn't ask him to come back here and spend more of his depleting funds on me when he should be there with his son and family. Me....well i'm going to pick up the pieces again and move on again. But this's gonna be super hard to move on. So for moving on, just personal private time. Just me time. And i'm going to throw myself into aerobics and books. If i can't have a good romance in my life i might as well read about it.

I knew in my heart deep down that he'd never come back. Even though he still says he wants to...I know he can't afford it, he has more at stake than i do he has this adorable little son and i am not a selfish person, I can't ask him to spend more money on me and come here. He has to take time and figure out what is important to him and that is what i told him.

As for is out. There is nothing i can offer anyone right now. I never knew you could hurt so much just by setting someone free. Now it's time for the old saying....If you set it free and it comes back to you it's yours. He actually told me tonight that he didn't want to leave me but that he was scared. Scared he'd not find a job and that i'd kick him out. I'd never do that!! But i can't get that through his head and I'm just tired.

He was supposed to be flying into the airport fact this is the time i was supposed to be going and picking him up. He wasted his money on his ticket.....and he broke the already shattered pieces of what was left of my heart. It'll take time......time to mend......again :( I told him in time he'd forget about me and he'd meet someone else and he'd have the wife and family he wanted. And he told me he'd never in his life forget me. It's nice to hear but men always forget you once something better comes along. This is something you have to realize as a woman. This will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do....I have to move on from what was the love of my life. The one man that actually told me his feelings for me and the man who actually wanted a life with me.

How do i do this?