FEELING BLUE....

Some days are good and some days are bad. Today I'm feeling kind of blue. Certain things are starting to sink in with me post breakup. See I'm 33....I never really had this big life plan I normally just see where life takes me. Well so far life has sent me right down the crapper. People my age are normally married with children and a house. I have struck out on all three. With no hope what so ever to get any of the three.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I have a date here and there. And I'm pretty sure children are out of the question for me. Normally things like this would never get to me but lately (since Jr.) those are things I have been thinking about. I had never been with a man up till Jr. that ever wanted those things with me so I really never thought about it. Then i met Jr. and he wanted all those things with me. He told me i was the one for him the one he would one day want to marry and have a family with and me being the stupid female that I am fell hook, line and sinker for his shit.

Now here i sit....alone again. And pretty much devastated as can be. Most of the men I've met in the past have only had time to have sex with me and move on. They can't be bothered with a relationship. And it seems that the minute you put a title on things like "boyfriend" they run. Here is a good question for my readers....all four of you, ha ha! If you are with someone for a couple of months and you have had sex multiple times and gone out and hangout during all your free time aren't you in a relationship? Aren't you then boyfriend and girlfriend? But see men freak out and that is when they run!

I've had some really nice men travel through my life....but it's always the wrong time and no one ever wants to try because see....someone cheated on them once and by God i may do the same thing. Well then people don't know me at all do they? Me personally....I've been cheated on and lied to by the best of them. I'm not so stupid anymore. I can tell when it's over! That is exactly why i had to just walk away when i did from Jr. and let it go. Sometimes it's more sane to do so and forget about them. That's what I've been trying to do you see. Forget about the man that didn't have enough faith in me and us to stay here and stick it out and try. You can't start a life with someone who runs away for silly reasons!

I'm really not even feeling like dating anymore. I honestly don't see what is worth the pain that I've been through in the past few years. It's amazing to me how these men can just move on and it not bother them at all. Me I'm too emotional i guess. But from now on....I'm all walled up again. Like a castle fortress! I really can't take the heartache anymore. I can't wish for a life I'll never have.

It seems like anymore that men only want skinny girls with no opinion. They also like flakes with four kids from different men and women with self esteem problems. But see me...I'm curvy, I stand up for myself and i am single and never married no kids....One of my exes Tony said that was refreshing....He said it was better that way no baggage. Well two years later from that breakup and here I sit. Still as confused as can be as to what men really want.

I'm a good person with a big heart and I've been smacked in the face by love and I just don't have it in me to fight back. I am just sick to death of all the crap.